The way my brain works has been something I’ve been wanting to talk about for a long time. I have really struggled to talk about the way that my compulsive obsessive personality disorder effects me. Every time I have gone to try to explain it I find it too overwhelming,which results in me never finishing a blog post, insta post, a YouTube video and everything else I have tried. I decided to try a different approach on discussing this, in the way that may help any of you reading this understand me better.
This is the first part of my monthly blog posts on different ways this disorder effects me and why I see certain things differently to the next person.
I am very affectionate, but only with certain people.
I have ALWAYS found physical contact with people very uncomfortable. I don't like hugs, I don't like people touching me, even if it’s in order to comfort me. The idea of going to a nail salon or a hair dressers can be extremely stressful as I am forced to sit somewhere for a long period of time with someone who is essentially a stranger, sitting uncomfortably close to me and/or touching me.
Even with my mum, whom I love the most in the world and am happy to call my best friend, hug is more of a formality than a loving way of greeting. Yet, it still came to my as a surprise when a friend asked me how I deal with intimacy in relationships.
I am unable to explain why physical contact makes me so uncomfortable, but when it comes to relationships, I am only able to be close with a person ( I am not even going as far as sex here, I am talking holding hands, hugging etc ) once they have gained my trust and I see them as ‘ clean ‘.
I can understand that to other people this may seem slightly extreme but that is the way my brain works. Funnily enough, once I really like someone and become close to them, I become very,very,very affectionate. It feels like in of the lack of physical contact with other humans, I make up in the amount of affection I give and require of a partner. So I go from forcing myself to hug a relative to constantly hold a partner’s hand.
This means that a lot of sociable occasions can be draining. For example, getting in a new relationship, where suddenly you are having to meet a lot of new people, sometimes all at once, not mentioning that just meeting of new people is difficult enough, I am having to force myself to do what is socially acceptable in order to become accepted myself. Because when meeting your new boyfriend’s best friend and saying ‘ Sorry, I can’t hug you to say hi, it’s nothing personal I am see humans as unclean and don't like being touched, but its really lovely to meet you ‘ isn’t the best way to be introduced.
I really hope this gives you an insight into my world and continue the journey with me discussing other ways that Personality Disorder effects me.